Irrevocably
by half agony and hope
Summary: "And then I would have asked if I could kiss you, if I could love you, if I could spend my life trying to make you happy. Because I'd been thinking about doing all those things for the past two years—well, longer than that, really—and I'd finally realized that I was irrevocably in love with you." A variation on Blue Bird.


**AN: Thanks to everyone for the wonderful response to _Evensong_. As of right now, there's one more installment in that series to tie everything together (it'll be called _Evenfall_ , and maybe it'll be posted next weekend, but I don't want to make any promises). So stay tuned for that! But in the meantime, this little oneshot would not leave me alone. So here you have it: another what if situation for _Blue Bird_. In this universe, Abbott and Cho don't show up, and Jane's plans to seduce Lisbon are allowed to unfold...**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist.**

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Irrevocably

He took one look at her and nearly forgot how to breathe.

Lisbon noticed.

"In and out, Jane," she said, descending the last of the steps and coming to stand by his side at the bottom of the stairs. She laughed, and the sound startled him out of his daydream. "You're the one who picked out this dress—you must have had some idea of how it would look on me."

Jane shook his head, feeling suddenly woefully inadequate with his wrinkled suit and scruffy stubble. "No," he said. "Not even close. Reality has far exceeded my expectations."

Lisbon looked at him with a curious expression on her face. Jane internally panicked. It had been a long time—more than a decade, in fact—since he'd tried to seduce anyone he really, truly cared about. What if he'd forgotten how?

But a fraction of a second later, she smiled and blushed, ducking her head, and Jane breathed a sigh of relief. He offered her his arm. She took his hand instead.

He made to begin walking to their table, but Lisbon pulled him back, holding tight to his right hand. "You're shaking," she noted, staring at him, now more concerned than curious. "You never shake. What's wrong?"

He shook his head, feeling a lump form in his throat.

"Jane?" She took a step closer, still holding his hand. She tilted her head up to meet his eyes. "Is everything alright?"

He bit his lip and whispered, "No." A millisecond later, Lisbon was pulling him after her—away from the tables, out the nearest door, and toward the sea. She stepped out of her heels and grabbed them in one hand, holding onto his with the other, and their feet sunk into the sand as they walked away from the Blue Bird Inn.

The beach had become less populated with the dawn of early evening, and she didn't have to lead him far before they were out of earshot of any tourists. Jane followed her dutifully, glad for every second that her hand grasped his own, all too aware that it might never happen again.

Lisbon stopped suddenly and turned around. "Tell me," she said urgently.

"I…I…" began Jane, finding it difficult to speak. Looking into her eyes was also too difficult, too much to handle, so he addressed the corner of her mouth instead. "I messed up," he said simply.

She didn't say anything, so he tried to elaborate. "I screwed up. I ruined everything. I'm sorry— _I'm so sorry_."

Her brow furrowed, and she took a step closer. "For what?"

She was much too close, far too close. He couldn't think.

"I'm sorry that I can't—" his voice broke, and he cleared his throat. "That's just it, isn't it?" He laughed feebly. " _I can't_. I can't be a normal human being. I can't be the person you need me to be. I can't tell the truth…I just _can't_."

He felt a thud beside his foot, and he realized belatedly that Lisbon had dropped her heels into the sand. Her free hand came up to touch the side of his face.

"But I can," she said softly. "And for now, maybe that's enough."

His eyes finally met hers at that instant, and he nodded against her hand.

"Okay," said Lisbon. "Let's start with simple yes and no questions. You don't even have to speak—just nod or shake your head, alright?"

He nodded again, and her other hand came up to frame his face.

"Is this about me moving to DC?"

He nodded once.

"The other night, when you showed up at my house…you didn't say what you wanted to say, right?"

Another nod.

He saw a tear slide down her cheek, but he was paralyzed, unable to raise a finger to wipe it away.

"Do you want me to go to DC?"

He shook his head vigorously. " _God, no,_ " he whispered, and his throat contracted again.

"You want me to stay?"

Two gulls flew overhead, squawking at each other loudly, and Jane breathed in deeply.

He let out his breath. "I don't remember wanting anything more in my life," he said, and he hated the timidness in his voice.

"You want me?" asked Lisbon, not quite comprehending.

He nodded several times. "More than you could possibly know." He took her hands and brought her fingers to his lips. Now, it seemed, that the words were tumbling out, there was nothing he could do to stop them. "I'm so sorry, Lisbon, that I messed this up so royally. In my defense, I had planned to ask you out several weeks ago, but someone beat me to it."

An image of her walking out of the bullpen, side by side with Pike, flashed in his mind, and he knew she was thinking of the same moment.

"You were going to ask me out?" Lisbon said, her voice almost fragile. This time, when the tear dropped from her eye, he reached out to wipe it away with his thumb.

Jane nodded. "I had it all planned out," he said. "After closed case pizza, I was going to convince you to get a milkshake with me. And after that, I was going to sneak you into the arboretum just outside of town, even though you'd object because it would have closed an hour earlier. But you would have agreed eventually, and after, we would have walked around under the stars, admiring flowers we couldn't really see because it was too dark. Then you would have shivered, and I would have pulled you close and put my scarf around you."

Lisbon's eyes were brighter than normal. "And then?" she asked.

"And then I would have asked if I could kiss you, if I could love you, if I could spend my life trying to make you happy. Because I'd been thinking about doing all those things for the past two years—well, longer than that, really—and I'd finally realized that I was irrevocably in love with you." He looked at her, and he realized with a jolt that he wasn't the only one shaking now.

She extracted her hands from his, instead choosing to rest hers on his chest. " _I would have said yes_ ," she whispered. "To everything."

Jane looked at her sadly, noting her particular word choice. She _would have_ said yes—if he'd asked her then.

Before Pike.

"Like I said, I messed up," he said.

"Jane," said Lisbon, her hands a heavy weight on his chest. " _I'm still saying yes_."

Suddenly, his world lit up, like an extra star was shining.

"You are?"

"Are you still asking?" she said teasingly.

He covered her hands with his own and leaned into her, resting his forehead against hers.

"Can I kiss you, Lisbon? Can I wake up every morning next to you? Can I spend every day trying to make you smile?"

She nodded, her skin warm and soft against his, and leaned in closer.

" _I love you_ ," he said, before their lips touched. She froze, looking up at him in amazement. "I'm sorry it took so long to get to this point. I'm sorry I was almost too late."

She disregarded his other words, not able to comprehend anything after the first three. "Say it again," she said breathlessly.

He moved closer again to drop a kiss to her forehead. "I love you," he said, before kissing the corner of each eye. "I love you," he said again, trailing kisses down her jaw, and then again—"I love you" right before reaching down to finally touch his lips to hers.

She was everything—tears and happiness and life and love—and he tangled one of his hands in her hair while the other trailed down the side of her chest, his fingertips eliciting goosebumps wherever he touched her. She pulled back far too soon, the look in her eyes making his knees literally buckle.

"Before this goes any further," Lisbon said, with a mischievous glint in her eyes, "I want to know how much of this case is a sham."

He couldn't hide the sheepish expression that crossed his face. "You knew?"

"Since when have you not been able to solve a simple cipher?" she said, rolling her eyes. "I _am_ a detective, Jane. Of course I knew."

A thought made him smile. "You knew I was manipulating the case, but you played along anyway?"

Now _she_ looked sheepish. "I was hoping that you had something like this planned," she admitted. "I wanted to know if you'd fight for me."

"So you were manipulating me, too?" he said in disbelief.

"It won't happen again," Lisbon promised sincerely, and then she shot him a stern look. "But that goes both ways. Right?" she added, and he knew he was being let off the hook easy. He nodded.

Lisbon smiled. "All right," she said. "Then how about we get started on that list of yours? It sounded pretty good to me."

He thought about the list of things he'd asked her—could he kiss her, love her, wake up next to her, spend every waking moment trying to make her happy?

It appeared that he now had permission.

"That sounds good to me, too," he said.

She stuck out her hand, he took it, and together they walked back across the beach.


End file.
